They're perfect. I'm talking about the "beautiful people" I see walking briskly across campus to conquer their next mission- their next stepping stone in life. Alright, obviously, I know they're not perfect, but from the outside- they seem awfully close. When I say "beautiful", I don't always mean appearance wise, although quite commonly the ones that come to mind are neatly groomed and polished, with a stylishly colorful and appropriate outfit on. I mean beautiful on the inside. They're role models. Poised. Confident. Happy. Self-controled. Reliable. Caring. Nurturing. They are of their own breed. I am not so naive as to truly believe that everyone who walks around with a smile and mask on is what they appear to be, but there are a handful whom I have known personally who are simply just good people.
I have the terrible habit of comparing myself to something I'd like to be, and in the face of such inward beauty and peace, I feel a sharp pang of animosity towards myself. I know everyone's imperfect, but I seem uncommonly close. Me, with endless list of personal issues. How can I ever help anyone out there when I can't even get my stuff straight? It hurts to face up to it, but I'm not who I want to be at this stage in life.
I'm not trying to be too hard on myself. I know I've struggled with a past that very few (especially on this campus) have had. I know that I have many valuable insights and talents. I've come a long way and am still headed forward. Nevertheless, I can't silence that question that oppresses my thoughts late in the night:
Why can't I be like them?
I too appreciate those who have a constant inward beauty, a confidence in themselves and the light of God within them. Yet, I also appreciate the humanness of people who are not afraid to acknolwedge their weaknesses. I think...oh, I am so glad I am not the only one. C.S. Lewis says, "We read to know we're not alone." People who read your blog may be thinking that.
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